Shower Dancing Syndrome

voicemail for Shel: Hey sis, sorry I missed your call. I was shower dancing……

Okay, for the uninitiated shower dancing probably sounds like pleasurable experience. A little music, a little scented soap, shaking it under the flow. Um, no.

Think more along the lines of St. Vitus Dance with a side of Tourettes. Shower Dancing is a rarely spoken of disorder that is limited to those unfortunate souls who are the sole source of estrogen in a testosterone heavy household. For reasons best left to the scientific community, when the female of the clan enters the shower, the sound of the rushing water awakes in the male of the species a sudden and, apparently, irresistible urge to proceed immediately to the closest bathroom and flush the toilet. Upon which action the water in the shower will inexplicably (at least to the male) switch from a comfortably warm temperature to a searing hot attack on the nude body of the hitherto oblivious female.

At which point the female will jump, twist, and thrash about; wildly searching for the source of the pain while being blinded by the soap inevitably running in her eyes ; introducing a combination of sudden pain and immense frustration which will cause her to issue forth a stream of invectives not matched since the Osbourne’s family reunion.

Eventually, she will find the hot water spigot and slam it to it’s furthermost right position. This generally occurs approximately five seconds before the water temperature would have returned to a bearable level. Instead, with the hot water now off, the soaking wet female, gasping for air and fiercely rubbing at her burning eyes; will now find herself being assaulted by a frigid stream of icy needles, made all the more intense on her still singed skin. And the dance begins again.

To date science has yet to find a cure for this heartbreaking disease. Shower Dancing Syndrome (SDS) is known only to strike in single-female households. In homes with even one additional female present, the syndrome rarely occurs. It has been hypothesised that the additional estrogen brings the natural response to the male’s bee-line for the commode of “Don’t even think it about Buster!” thus preventing the initial attack from occurring.

There have been several attempts to stop this awful disease in it’s tracks, unfortunately shy of women being given their own separate home, the future of those suffering this disorder is not promising.

~ by D.L. Graves on March 2, 2009.

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