Snippets for Breakfast


Text from Zoe: I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

So, it’s Saturday at 9 something in the morning. I have had five hours sleep, six cups of coffee and cannot decide whether to give in to the sleepiness or the caffeine. Kind of fun to let them battle it out.

I’ve got Barry McGuire’s Eve of Destruction blasting on the old iPod and decided to sit my chunky butt down and blog. So, here we go. Oooh wait, Pat Benetar – Hit Me With Your Best Shot just came on. Okay, how irritating is that? It’s like riding in a car with a friend who keeps interrupting the conversation to crank up the radio. “I haven’t heard this in YEARS!” she’ll exclaim and promptly ignore you for 3 minutes and 27 seconds.

It appears randomness is going to have to be the theme today as I am completely unable to focus, (song is now Me and Mrs./Mrs/Mrs JOOOOOOOOOOnnnnnnnesssss – sorry, last time. I promise) so we’ll just have snippets for breakfast shall we? Yum.

Snippet #1: I have fallen in love with a woman. Not in that whole Birkenstocks and bad hair cuts kind of way, (please, I don’t even eat tuna fish!) but in a deep, soulful, how-INCREDIBLE-is-this-woman kind of way. We became friends due to a collision of her kindheartedness, my distaste for crazy balding make-up artists and an M & M loving Photojournalism professor with a twisted sense of justice. In other words she rescued me by joining my project team when I was stranded with the only other student stupid enough to skip class on the day the teams were assigned. We clicked right off the bat and have been best buds ever since. That was nearly two years ago. She has since graduated and I am still plugging on but our friendship has only gotten better. She calls me Super Chick and I call her The Goddess – she is six foot tall, cascading black hair, cheek bones to die for and some mighty healthy breastessess – like I said, Goddess- and I cannot imagine my life without her.

Snippet #2: Barack? Still rocks.

Snippet #3: So, the doc says I have diabetes. Or could have. On the verge. Gave me the news, told me to change my evil eating ways and get off my butt and MOVE everyday. Take two soy burgers and call me in the morning. I took his message to heart and have completely changed my diet. I am now one of those obnoxious people who stand in the store isle reading all the labels then bragging about the funky recipes and health food finds I have made – flax seed YES! meatless bacon – not so much -I have lost eight pounds thus far and feel SO much better. Used to be a typical Saturday involved getting up, watching the news and falling back asleep on the couch. I was constantly exhausted. I don’t mean just tired, I mean five-days-no-sleep-then-ran-a-marathon bone tired. Of course, those who know me know I never stop. Work full time, school full time, family full time. Who wouldn’t be run down? My point is this: even if you have good reason; if you feel like crap, have an endo check you out.

Snippet #3: I REALLY miss Cups.

Snippet #4: I have committed the financial equivalent of checking myself into rehab and going cold turkey. Closed the checking account, cut up all the credit cards – even Swiss Colony – and handed my paycheck over to my poor beleaguered hubby. If we are going to get ahead financially I am going to have to buckle down and get tough with these bills.

Snippet #5: Crap, I am out of cigarettes and my coffee cup is empty. OH MY GAWD!! This must be how hikers feel on Everest when they realize their oxygen just ran out. I can’t breath. Can’t think straight. Must. Find. Caffiene.

Snippet #6: Now that I have refueled I realize the above snippet may have been a teensy-weensy bit much.

Snippet #7: I am completely addicted (as opposed to partially addicted? No, doc – I only crave crack on the High Holidays and Flag Day. Where the hell do these colloquialisms come from anyway?) to How Stuff Works.com’s podcast. It started with Stuff You Missed in History Class; then spread to Stuff You Should Know – Hey Chuck and Josh!- and has swelled to Stuff Your Mother Never Told You. TONS of arcane information weighing down the vine, just waiting to be plucked and stomped into a fine mental Pinot Noir. Want to know why cross-dressing was the only thing Joan of Arc was actually convicted of? Candace will clue you in. Wondering if stupid people are happier, ask Josh. (yeah, I know. Totally intentional.) Check it out http://www.howstuffworks.com/ or download the free podcasts from iTunes.

Snippet 7a: While we’re on the subject of podcasts these are my favorites, in no particular order:

  • Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me: Paula Poundstone; Mo Rocca; Tom Bodet; Roy Blount, Jr.; a rotating crew of smart people cracking themselves (and the rest of us) up every Saturday with their weekly news quiz. And if you are very good you might just get Carl Castle’s voice on your home answering machine. SCORE!
  • This American Life: Ira Glass chooses a theme then introduces three or four completely diverse pieces on the subject. A recent example? Going Big. Three stories of people who went all out. Story 1: a man in Harlem who made it all the way out, to Harvard no less, and came back to help lift others out. He started a program that starts at birth and goes to college graduation. Baby college, preschool, parent classes, social skills. You name it. His first group just hit the third grade and scored well above the national average on standardized tests. Story 2: a man hires a popular indie artist to serenade his estranged girlfriend in their apartment. It was wierd, awkward and it worked. For about a month. Story 3: A young woman who’s mother was sent to prison, (brought a gun to an argument and, well, things went down hill from there) gets herself sent to prison so that she could be with her mom. She has been in and out of prison ever since. Heartbreaking story.
  • A Prairie Home Companion: Garrison Keillor’s laconic tales of life in Lake Woebegone, Minnesota -“Where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.”
  • And of course the Stuff: How Stuff Works; Stuff You Missed in History Class and Stuff Your Mother Never Told You.
  • Untested: I just downloaded Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History but haven’t listened to it yet. I’ll let you know.

Snippet# 8: Best new catchphrase learned since last blog: Don’t forget to take the suck out it. Shout out to Prince William the Tim.

Snippet #9: The lawn guy always says, “Sorry I woke you up.” when I answer the door. 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday or 6:00 p.m. on a Tuesday, doesn’t matter, “Sorry I woke you up.” He has never once woken me and it’s getting pretty irritating.

Snippet # 10: War’s classic cruising song “Low Rider” causes spinal degeneration. Seriously. I cannot listen to that song and sit up straight. Like fighting a sneeze. Pointless.

Last but not least….

Snippet # 11: I love the way my husband says AtLANna. Don’t ask me why. I have no clue but I smile every time he says it.

Well folks, the caffeine is waning and the To-Do list is growing so I’m outta here. Have a great day, and don’t forget to take the suck out of it!

P.S. The caffeine won.

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~ by D.L. Graves on August 22, 2009.

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